Last night I slept like the GODS restful and the blankets smooth and flat no Dramas, no Dreams even just peaceful thank goodness I feel much better today HUMAN even, I am off to work and that is my day (I then have to clean then my own place) OH JOY!!.. Well close to 65 hours have passed and NO CONTACT from the said MISSING PERSON at times I could TEAR ALL MY HAIR OUT and SPIT!!!
DID I MENTION 60 hours has passed and no contact!!!!!! NOT FROM HIM or his USELESS FUCKING FAMILY!!!! IF I see him tonight I will slap him myself and then admit him................ TO THE A & E Ward for Grevious Bodily Harm.....
3pm and although I said I felt good AS the day wore on I felt more and more tired I had to work this morning and BOY IT DRAGGED.... BUT was necessary work.... I have to go back to work tonight BUT just for CHILDMINDING (I am a P. A. to a very busy family)used to be the NANNY but I am upgraded as I DO SOOOOOOOOOOO much more than that and I am paid well and CAN TAKE MY young son with me at all times and we have dinner there 2 nights a week (I cook it though).... we have even slept there, we have become their EXTENDED WHANAU aren't they LUCKY!!! haha they also have been tremendous to me over the years with all the issues I have had to deal with and although the work can be long hours and hard I appreciate the work and they APPRECIATE me .......
Have had a few phonecalls from Mental Health TEAM (whom haven't admitted said sick person) and HE IS DRIVING AROUND GOD KNOWS WHERE (cause he isn't ringing me!)HIS EMPLOYER hasn't heard hide nor hear from him either (NORTY NORTY NORTY) it is par and parcel with Bi Polar behaviour they have no accountability to anyone and ONLY think of themselves and what revolves around them!!!!! grrrrrrrrr the MENTAL HEALTH TEAM didn't ring his employer to get any background behaviour for the last few weeks (SLACK), it is the blind leading the blind and the YELLING WOMEN chasing close behind(namely me)......
I am over it all today I want to just explode BUT I have worked through it CLEANING relaxes me!!!!! AND BOY have I cleaned today upstairs downstairs, door and door frames ,lights,edges, sills, underbeds, bookcases, then kitchen, pantry, cupboard and AN OVEN!!!!!, then vaccumed dusted mopped floors and ironed, cleaned 3 bathrooms and 3 toilets, ALL AT someone elses house TOO I am currently NOW HOME cleaning my own house BUT I HAD VACCUMMED and dusted before I even left this morning!!!!!!!, I am also making Macaroni Cheese as I type for a lady who is bringing her son and herself to WATCH MY young fella while I am out HER SON is staying the night as they are good friends (and she also a good friend from our single days ) from OUR ORIGINAL BABY GROUP!!!!!
MY SON has rugby tomorrow so I needed him to have a good night sleep and not be out late with me , and he will need all the energy he can muster!!!!!!!
COME TOMORROW I am going to have the 3 R's RUGBY RUM and ROOTING, (well 2 out of 3 aint bad!)....
AND ROOTING is defiantely NOT HIGH on my list!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I WILL be glad to be back in the full swing of work again and have myself flat tack so I cant think and STEW!!!! (no offence Chris H)
On another note I may have a new flatmate WHICH BY MY calculations WILL make me VERY happy and financially FINALLY ON TOP (I have had a student for the last 3 weeks and THAT has certainly boosted the coffers and allowed some headway!!!! U DEFIANTELY NEED 2 incomes OR ONE DECENT INCOME!!!! ......... MAYBE just MAYBE I will treat myself to a massage(although I am SUPER UBER TICKLISH!), manicure pedicure and facial...(but knowing me I will get Radox soak in bath with FACE PACK, do my own feet and hands!!!! (which I am very good at!.... as I am a scrooge.!!!!!!!!!!
Well for someone who doesnt post for a month then does 3 in 30 hours I am done I may however come back and post some photos OF MY SON dressed up for a thing at the school before holidays!!! (he won a choc bar for his efforts!)
Ciao
Friday, July 17, 2009
Thursday, July 16, 2009
A LONG DAY and well hair is immaculate shame about the rest!!!!
After a very long day and MANY PHONE CALLS my partner is back in Taupo has mental health appointments all day tomorrow and is somewhat oblivious to all the MAILSTROM(sp) it caused today!!! as is often the case NO point in being angry I just dont get like that at him anymore, BUT towards his family I spew VENOM, not once did his DAD or MUM ring to say oh why isn't he at work today Tues/Wed is not his normal day off FRIDAY is!!!! Did you know he was here? Have there not been enough warning signs in the last 7 years to say HEY pick up the blardy phone and call me (useless barstards!) His brother whom I ring weekly and have close contact with didn't shed any constructive light on the matter at 9am even though he knew where he was HE offered the "Oh he is with DAD"( bearing in Mind the rest of his family LIVE IN TEPUKE!!!!) is that where he was HELL NO, he was with his DAD in Whanganui!!!!!!!!!! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
His employer is relived I am thankful he has come back in one piece and alive, I have taken a muscle relaxant AS I AM SO tightly wound up I have NO ALCOHOL or CHOCOLATE!!!!! (perhaps a good thing), his employer is incredulous to ponder WHY his family are so dismissive of their own flesh and blood, it mystifies him. His employer is a wonderful couple they absolutely bend over backwards to accommodate his state and needs and are patient they deserve a blardy medal.
I have a very sore throat from YELLING not loudly but vigourously at others today, "I tried to picture "MY H A P P Y Place" BUT boy it wasn't happening today thats for real! I am quite tired and well wrung out I am heading to bed and so HELP ME I had better sleep tonight!!!!
Sometimes I wish the Earth would just stop a fraction so I could get off, and then I wish that I wasn't so stubborn and headstrong in the fact I feel compelled to help, I also wonder if my help isn't constructive anymore, CAUSE for me its Groundhog day again.......... (and I hear my mothers AWFUL comments ringing in my ears and think IS THIS it for me from here on in), because it wont get better it doesn't , we have to learn to manage what we have BUT HOW, HOW do you lessen the fallout from this, at least I didn't cry today and fall apart (this time I am not sooo tired and exhausted that is the only difference) am I becoming A HINDERANCE INSTEAD OF HIS HELP?
POSITIVES he is alive, he is back in Taupo, he didn't spin out too badly this time HE MAY be recognising some of the signs himself yay (thats a big step), he knows he has people around him whom care and love him, BUT is that enough?
Ciao
His employer is relived I am thankful he has come back in one piece and alive, I have taken a muscle relaxant AS I AM SO tightly wound up I have NO ALCOHOL or CHOCOLATE!!!!! (perhaps a good thing), his employer is incredulous to ponder WHY his family are so dismissive of their own flesh and blood, it mystifies him. His employer is a wonderful couple they absolutely bend over backwards to accommodate his state and needs and are patient they deserve a blardy medal.
I have a very sore throat from YELLING not loudly but vigourously at others today, "I tried to picture "MY H A P P Y Place" BUT boy it wasn't happening today thats for real! I am quite tired and well wrung out I am heading to bed and so HELP ME I had better sleep tonight!!!!
Sometimes I wish the Earth would just stop a fraction so I could get off, and then I wish that I wasn't so stubborn and headstrong in the fact I feel compelled to help, I also wonder if my help isn't constructive anymore, CAUSE for me its Groundhog day again.......... (and I hear my mothers AWFUL comments ringing in my ears and think IS THIS it for me from here on in), because it wont get better it doesn't , we have to learn to manage what we have BUT HOW, HOW do you lessen the fallout from this, at least I didn't cry today and fall apart (this time I am not sooo tired and exhausted that is the only difference) am I becoming A HINDERANCE INSTEAD OF HIS HELP?
POSITIVES he is alive, he is back in Taupo, he didn't spin out too badly this time HE MAY be recognising some of the signs himself yay (thats a big step), he knows he has people around him whom care and love him, BUT is that enough?
Ciao
Straight Hair STILL (wish my life was as simple)
Straight and easy no kinks or SURPRISES, no stressed tresses, no way out of control locks, no unmanagable mane!!!!!
BUT NOOOOOOOOOO it is not that simple,
THE FOLLOWING is a depressing post for today BUT THANKS for reading and its a place for me to type it out and release some of my angst.
My family choose to DISOWN me 6 years ago (no contact phone, post, email nothing including Aunties, grandparents )BECAUSE of my choice of partner (he has mental illness Bi Polar SEVERE at times), unfortunately HIS FAMILY DONT support him or actively help in securing him piece of mind and stability IT FALLS ALL on my shoulders AS BIG as they are they can't shoulder all the stress all the time.
My partner ( if it is indeed that, we live apart and that aint easy) and I say partner loosely because I feel like his support person at times and a glorified nurse, he is only 37. I help in his day to day care meals washing etc and his employers are wonderful people caring supportive and at times WORRIED as to how he will end up in life!! as do I he is one of 4 brothers and 2 of them have mental illness as well as the father (so no NOT GOOD ODDS).(he was diagnosed as a teenager but clearly suffered froma n early age)
THEY are stumped as to why his own family treat him so poorly and my family (well they dont treat us with anything head in the sand approach), I have no family here and my friends are my only support and catchnet, they listen to the rants, frustrations and tears all in good grace and WE all do as much as we can, BUT TO NO AVAIL, this wonderful man falls off the radar every 18months to 2 years and was AWOL for 48hours since Tuesday this week (turned up at his family this morning) dishevelled and a little out of sorts, mental health team are now involved again and down the slippery slope it goes, this time I am a little indifferent I am GLAD he has gone to his FAMILY because it is tiring and draining, it takes approximately 2-8 months of recovery time (NO WORK), I have tried to distance myself a little as IT IS SOOOOOOO disruptive and affects me as well and my son too, thats why I take all the extra work I have doing it on my own for nearly 18 months but over the last 7 years he hasn't worked for 3 years of that due to illness.
I try my absolute best to stay in control and on top of things BUT today feel more alone than ever, the Tauranga Mental Health Team are good people and I hope he stays closer to his family this time for all our sakes. I feel alot guilty that I CANT DO MORE, I FEEL at times given all the help he gets ( and clearly needs more he would excel GREATLY) if ONLY his family would step up more, I FEEL mildly responsible to help him as another human being and think IF I didnt then WHO? The thought of him homeless, jobless, and passed around (his family and yes JAXX can verify all of this) to me is terrifying.
At times I wish I had the money to fix all of it SO he DIDNT have to work BUT COULD just potter and tinker on his computers and cars ( he is a COMPUTER NERD/WHIZ has been since 7 years old), he has installed all the POST OFFICE communications Systems years ago WHEN internet BROADBAND became huge in the central and upper NORTH ISLAND, is an electrician, can do Auto Electrical work and is certainly no slouch BUT IT IS the day to day living that is hard for him ALL the other stuff that makes us function as people that he can't cope with.
Although he has many professional people down here helping BECAUSE Taupo isn't part of the DHB we fall under ROTORUA he sees different MENTAL PEOPLE and they change monthly................
HELLO WAKE UP mental health people need continuity of care and stability and ALL THE THINGS we take for granted!!!!!!!
Sometimes I wish I could make it all go away.
BUT NOOOOOOOOOO it is not that simple,
THE FOLLOWING is a depressing post for today BUT THANKS for reading and its a place for me to type it out and release some of my angst.
My family choose to DISOWN me 6 years ago (no contact phone, post, email nothing including Aunties, grandparents )BECAUSE of my choice of partner (he has mental illness Bi Polar SEVERE at times), unfortunately HIS FAMILY DONT support him or actively help in securing him piece of mind and stability IT FALLS ALL on my shoulders AS BIG as they are they can't shoulder all the stress all the time.
My partner ( if it is indeed that, we live apart and that aint easy) and I say partner loosely because I feel like his support person at times and a glorified nurse, he is only 37. I help in his day to day care meals washing etc and his employers are wonderful people caring supportive and at times WORRIED as to how he will end up in life!! as do I he is one of 4 brothers and 2 of them have mental illness as well as the father (so no NOT GOOD ODDS).(he was diagnosed as a teenager but clearly suffered froma n early age)
THEY are stumped as to why his own family treat him so poorly and my family (well they dont treat us with anything head in the sand approach), I have no family here and my friends are my only support and catchnet, they listen to the rants, frustrations and tears all in good grace and WE all do as much as we can, BUT TO NO AVAIL, this wonderful man falls off the radar every 18months to 2 years and was AWOL for 48hours since Tuesday this week (turned up at his family this morning) dishevelled and a little out of sorts, mental health team are now involved again and down the slippery slope it goes, this time I am a little indifferent I am GLAD he has gone to his FAMILY because it is tiring and draining, it takes approximately 2-8 months of recovery time (NO WORK), I have tried to distance myself a little as IT IS SOOOOOOO disruptive and affects me as well and my son too, thats why I take all the extra work I have doing it on my own for nearly 18 months but over the last 7 years he hasn't worked for 3 years of that due to illness.
I try my absolute best to stay in control and on top of things BUT today feel more alone than ever, the Tauranga Mental Health Team are good people and I hope he stays closer to his family this time for all our sakes. I feel alot guilty that I CANT DO MORE, I FEEL at times given all the help he gets ( and clearly needs more he would excel GREATLY) if ONLY his family would step up more, I FEEL mildly responsible to help him as another human being and think IF I didnt then WHO? The thought of him homeless, jobless, and passed around (his family and yes JAXX can verify all of this) to me is terrifying.
At times I wish I had the money to fix all of it SO he DIDNT have to work BUT COULD just potter and tinker on his computers and cars ( he is a COMPUTER NERD/WHIZ has been since 7 years old), he has installed all the POST OFFICE communications Systems years ago WHEN internet BROADBAND became huge in the central and upper NORTH ISLAND, is an electrician, can do Auto Electrical work and is certainly no slouch BUT IT IS the day to day living that is hard for him ALL the other stuff that makes us function as people that he can't cope with.
Although he has many professional people down here helping BECAUSE Taupo isn't part of the DHB we fall under ROTORUA he sees different MENTAL PEOPLE and they change monthly................
HELLO WAKE UP mental health people need continuity of care and stability and ALL THE THINGS we take for granted!!!!!!!
Sometimes I wish I could make it all go away.
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