I forgot to say I rang the council, they rang me back this morning APPEARS this dog has other indiscretions, he has chased and bitten the postie, rushed a young girl (girl was on road biking learning to ride out with DAD) causing her to crash and fall and injure her hand and knee, RUSHED a mother with pram trying to bite the wheels, IT IS its 4th indiscretion in a month THE OWNERS defence the DOG IS OLD and grumpy well GUESS WHAT SHOOT the fucker (well humanely put down I guess in PC terms for others who need PC reassurance) BEFORE it seriously harms someone OTHER than an adult!!!
NEXT footnote I HAVE NOT HAD BREAKFAST AND I AM NOW PISSY myself!!!!! I have just made myself tuna and pasta BECAUSE I seriously need food, NOW I remember what used to annoy me about this particular male friend, this is how it started.
LAST night I get a text RING ME tonight at 9.30pm at night I of course was at movies, THIS person knew he was in Taupo for a few days and SAYS" oh well YOUR loss on coming out to dinner had you answered we could have all gone out once again you miss out" MY RESPONSE "Get stuffed, you knew you were coming RING ahead and at least forewarn us, I dont generally drop things for other people YOUR no different, however I DO HAVE an organised TIMELINE for my week I could SQUEEZE you in say next week" (I only speak to him in those endearing terms!) BUT in the person to person call he then says no worries AFTER I have finished in the morning WE WILL have breakfast MY DEFINITON of breakfast is any time from 7am - 9.45am!! then it becomes morning tea until 11am THEN IT IS LUNCHTIME from 11.30am until 1pm NOW SO I didnt walk WHICH in hindsight I should have (it is NOW PISSING DOWN with torrential rain! and FREEZING COLD) I am still frozen although NOW headachy from lack of protein and carbs!!! A little better from just having eaten though. I start work in just over an hour and will no doubt get a call or text later (or not as the case normally is with this particular friend, I do use that word loosely here) I always tell him how in the hell you have a successful business is beyond me, he just roars with laughter (we are the same antagonistic personality and banter off each other almost like brother and sister banter makes for VERY heated discussions at times!) He also knows I will tell him is time management sucks the big kumara.
I am now making a peppermint tea TO relieve my headache!
Please be warm tomorrow!
I am walking a 15 km tomorrow DONT care if his lordship is WRITING A CHEQUE for a million dollars HE CAN jolly well wait!
Whilst a charmer he is not, being on time is not one of his greater points, MIND YOU with all the moaning I am doing today I AM SURE as hell not much of a breakfast date or a lunch date person at the moment I WOULDNT want to take me OUT EITHER!!!! AND I look like an eskimo WRAPPED UP too.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
End of yesterday.........
Was a washout I worked and then decided to go out for some escapism (for me thats the movies) saw Maos Last Dancer, was a really nice movie but arrived home A: tired B: quite emotional whether thats what movie or combination of tired and sad parts of movie not sure had A ROUGH SLEEP and should be walking BUT I AM awaiting a friend who is taking me out for breakfast NOW I WISH I had gone walking (although it is FREEZING!!), and I wish I had eaten at 6am CAUSE I AM NOW STARVING, and feeling more starving by the second!!! Maybe I should walk so it takes my mind OFF FOOD!!!
We have cloud cover and because of rain yesterday it has caused a COOLING effect it is COLDER NOW than at 6.30am this morning I have just put long sleeve top on with short sleeve top over that and A CARDIGAN I started the morning in a short sleeve t shirt!
I AM COLD because I am tired!!! Thats a given, I WILL HAVE poached eggs for BREAKFAST to protein load AS I CAN feel a crap day coming on otherwise!! I should have turned my electric blanket on last night CAUSE I was cold in bed too!! OH well we live and learn I suppose.
I am going to put my walking gear on and try and do some walking BUT sure as eggs the text IM awaiting will come and that will be that, I should have said I am walking first thing how about 9.30am!!! I do hate waiting for people, he said I have some things to do in the morning then we will have breakfast!!! WELL WHEN cause its fast becoming my MORNING TEA time!!!! lol
GAWD at this rate I will be having a FULL COOKED BREAKFAST christ you dont realise how hungry you are until THE next morning I had dinner at around 6pm last night and have not eaten since (Tuesday for me is Burrito night!) and considering I make my ONE burrito with lettuce leaves as the wrapI havent had carbs since yesterday mid morning!!! I should stop talking about food CAUSE I am making myself worse, off to have DRINK OF WATER!!!!!! (WHOOP WHOOP)...
***UPDATE***
Have eaten one piece of toast with marmite and cherry tomatoes and black pepper I feel a little better SUN is desperately trying to break through IT IS TRULY FREEZING I am not walking I am COLD!
My goal today is too make it too dinnertime without a NANA NAP!!!
Hope it is warmer where ever you are.
Ciao
We have cloud cover and because of rain yesterday it has caused a COOLING effect it is COLDER NOW than at 6.30am this morning I have just put long sleeve top on with short sleeve top over that and A CARDIGAN I started the morning in a short sleeve t shirt!
I AM COLD because I am tired!!! Thats a given, I WILL HAVE poached eggs for BREAKFAST to protein load AS I CAN feel a crap day coming on otherwise!! I should have turned my electric blanket on last night CAUSE I was cold in bed too!! OH well we live and learn I suppose.
I am going to put my walking gear on and try and do some walking BUT sure as eggs the text IM awaiting will come and that will be that, I should have said I am walking first thing how about 9.30am!!! I do hate waiting for people, he said I have some things to do in the morning then we will have breakfast!!! WELL WHEN cause its fast becoming my MORNING TEA time!!!! lol
GAWD at this rate I will be having a FULL COOKED BREAKFAST christ you dont realise how hungry you are until THE next morning I had dinner at around 6pm last night and have not eaten since (Tuesday for me is Burrito night!) and considering I make my ONE burrito with lettuce leaves as the wrapI havent had carbs since yesterday mid morning!!! I should stop talking about food CAUSE I am making myself worse, off to have DRINK OF WATER!!!!!! (WHOOP WHOOP)...
***UPDATE***
Have eaten one piece of toast with marmite and cherry tomatoes and black pepper I feel a little better SUN is desperately trying to break through IT IS TRULY FREEZING I am not walking I am COLD!
My goal today is too make it too dinnertime without a NANA NAP!!!
Hope it is warmer where ever you are.
Ciao
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
GOOD GOD some women!!!
DO that at a beauty parlour IT TOOK 3 hours nearly inbetween drinking WELL her drinking me drinking bubbles and orange (Cause I had forgotten school had half day today) must REMEMBER to A: pick up SON, I had A COOKED BREKKIE delivered to BEAUTY therapists to help soak up the bubbles (I only had 2 glasses) my friend and the therapist we all shared THERAPIST only had half a glass.
Appointment was at 8.30am and went until 11am WAS VERY VERY NICE, the therapist knows us well and was lovely it always is warm in there and smells nice and YA sort of nod off I suppose (maybe that was the bubbles).... I am suitably relaxed and warm oh and my hands and feet feel nice MY face is all glowing so IT was lovely.
I didn't hear from Jason as such, I text him at like lunchtime Monday just to say "I hope you arrived safely , as I didnt hear from you, I know you were busy busy Sunday, hope you had a great sleep!" I get back "Sorry YEP arrived, and yip good sleep!!! Funny, he will be busy this week sorting change of Doctors and re registering into mental health system up there and WINZ etc all those things, so NO doubt I wont hear anything until weekend, EVEN funnier I havent heard from his sister in law (my suppossed friend WE KNEW each other LONG LONG before the Allen boys were EVER on the scene!) Oh well I know everyone has busy lives including me.
As always Tuesday is CROCKPOT DAY with meatballs (I am working late) and my neighbour (my friend) is watching Samuel until I get home( because of course now there is NO Jason here so ONLY 2 more weeks of late work !) YAY thank goodness.
Year 9 Term one performance reports came out and Samuel got 23 Excellent and 3 satisfactory (graphics which he isnt fussed on, PE which his Asthma impinges on, and COOKING (and all in the attitude column!) of all things!) HE WAS PISSED about the cooking one, BUT THRILLED with all other areas AND the Principal writes lovely comments so I am very pleased with his progress into college LIFE!!!PLEASE LONG MAY THAT CONTINUE!!! SO FAR son is doing Monday Karate, Tuesday Rugby Wed am DEBATING 7.30am then Wed arvo Badminton Thursday arvo Rugby and Friday Swimming HE IS LOOKING forward to Easter and school holidays!!!!! HE CERTAINLY deserves a break! Thursday is normally Karate but WHEN a grading is close or Takahashi is here he will opt back to Thurs karate trainings AS agreed to by the Rugby coach.
Today is murky and overcast, a humidish wind and THE RAIN well its hanging off at the moment.
Have just set my alarm on phone to JOG my memory to GET MY SON I sooooooooooo know I am going to forget!!!
Hope everyone is staying warm. WILL we MAKE IT TO END OF MARCH without heater!!!!!!
Ciao
Appointment was at 8.30am and went until 11am WAS VERY VERY NICE, the therapist knows us well and was lovely it always is warm in there and smells nice and YA sort of nod off I suppose (maybe that was the bubbles).... I am suitably relaxed and warm oh and my hands and feet feel nice MY face is all glowing so IT was lovely.
I didn't hear from Jason as such, I text him at like lunchtime Monday just to say "I hope you arrived safely , as I didnt hear from you, I know you were busy busy Sunday, hope you had a great sleep!" I get back "Sorry YEP arrived, and yip good sleep!!! Funny, he will be busy this week sorting change of Doctors and re registering into mental health system up there and WINZ etc all those things, so NO doubt I wont hear anything until weekend, EVEN funnier I havent heard from his sister in law (my suppossed friend WE KNEW each other LONG LONG before the Allen boys were EVER on the scene!) Oh well I know everyone has busy lives including me.
As always Tuesday is CROCKPOT DAY with meatballs (I am working late) and my neighbour (my friend) is watching Samuel until I get home( because of course now there is NO Jason here so ONLY 2 more weeks of late work !) YAY thank goodness.
Year 9 Term one performance reports came out and Samuel got 23 Excellent and 3 satisfactory (graphics which he isnt fussed on, PE which his Asthma impinges on, and COOKING (and all in the attitude column!) of all things!) HE WAS PISSED about the cooking one, BUT THRILLED with all other areas AND the Principal writes lovely comments so I am very pleased with his progress into college LIFE!!!PLEASE LONG MAY THAT CONTINUE!!! SO FAR son is doing Monday Karate, Tuesday Rugby Wed am DEBATING 7.30am then Wed arvo Badminton Thursday arvo Rugby and Friday Swimming HE IS LOOKING forward to Easter and school holidays!!!!! HE CERTAINLY deserves a break! Thursday is normally Karate but WHEN a grading is close or Takahashi is here he will opt back to Thurs karate trainings AS agreed to by the Rugby coach.
Today is murky and overcast, a humidish wind and THE RAIN well its hanging off at the moment.
Have just set my alarm on phone to JOG my memory to GET MY SON I sooooooooooo know I am going to forget!!!
Hope everyone is staying warm. WILL we MAKE IT TO END OF MARCH without heater!!!!!!
Ciao
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Physically and emotionally WIPED OUT!
I walked yesterday after DINNER forced myself !!! BECAUSE this morning I FORCED myself to lie in until 8am!!! (I know not much of a lie in!)...
Jason was here EARLY with all his (which are actually mine) blankets and linen I have washed 6 woollen blankets and underblankets and mattress protectors and 2 sets of sheets of his (which are actually mine) AND GOT THE WHOLE DAM LOT DRY!!!! It is Windy and Sunny here so was a perfect day for it! I HAVE lay in the sun and apart from 8 loads of washing ( my machine takes king size blankets and queens perfectly), DONE NOTHING ELSE! I HAVE lounged around in my lava lava all day feeling totally drained (sleepy drained), AND although I know I have achieved alot this week I FEEL very tired today understandably. HAD resonable sleep, and know I wont get decent sleep for another few nights yet ( disturbed sleep at this time of month I hate that you are laying there all asleep and warm and WHAM hello GET UP NOW or face washing an entire bed lot of linen!!! this happened at 4am WAY before my usual stirring time and I slept on and off until 8am).
Am suitably ahead for this week and need to be AS NOW its all on me. (No differetn than before BUT now I know its ME and no one ELSE.
Jason and his Dad left Taupo at around 1.30pm, HIS MUM didnt come down, Oh well NO LOSS. They haven't text yet to say they have arrived I'm sure at some stage he will remember. The farewell I didn't linger for as IT is all too hard and I DONT want me upset and then Jason more upset, than he already is.
My friend is taking me to the day spa on Tuesday morning to SHOUT me a manicure, a pedicure and a facial NICE EH.... She says I need spoiling and I NEED to take a deep breath and step back.... (we are having BUBBLES TOO!) Easy for others to say these things harder for me to acknowledge. Lucky my teacher Aide work isn't in full swing yet as I may have missed the opportunity.
This Sunday has been warm and relaxing (to me it is relaxing).
I hope everyone else has been doing something nice for themselves.
Ciao.
Jason was here EARLY with all his (which are actually mine) blankets and linen I have washed 6 woollen blankets and underblankets and mattress protectors and 2 sets of sheets of his (which are actually mine) AND GOT THE WHOLE DAM LOT DRY!!!! It is Windy and Sunny here so was a perfect day for it! I HAVE lay in the sun and apart from 8 loads of washing ( my machine takes king size blankets and queens perfectly), DONE NOTHING ELSE! I HAVE lounged around in my lava lava all day feeling totally drained (sleepy drained), AND although I know I have achieved alot this week I FEEL very tired today understandably. HAD resonable sleep, and know I wont get decent sleep for another few nights yet ( disturbed sleep at this time of month I hate that you are laying there all asleep and warm and WHAM hello GET UP NOW or face washing an entire bed lot of linen!!! this happened at 4am WAY before my usual stirring time and I slept on and off until 8am).
Am suitably ahead for this week and need to be AS NOW its all on me. (No differetn than before BUT now I know its ME and no one ELSE.
Jason and his Dad left Taupo at around 1.30pm, HIS MUM didnt come down, Oh well NO LOSS. They haven't text yet to say they have arrived I'm sure at some stage he will remember. The farewell I didn't linger for as IT is all too hard and I DONT want me upset and then Jason more upset, than he already is.
My friend is taking me to the day spa on Tuesday morning to SHOUT me a manicure, a pedicure and a facial NICE EH.... She says I need spoiling and I NEED to take a deep breath and step back.... (we are having BUBBLES TOO!) Easy for others to say these things harder for me to acknowledge. Lucky my teacher Aide work isn't in full swing yet as I may have missed the opportunity.
This Sunday has been warm and relaxing (to me it is relaxing).
I hope everyone else has been doing something nice for themselves.
Ciao.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
A SUPER LONG WEEK
I have made it through to TODAY BUT ONLY JUST thats a bonus in my book, I have walked 10km TUES 15km WED 10km THURS 10km TO walk out some stress (one of those walks was at 8pm at night didnt get in until 9.45pm!!!)
I have cleared out a LARGE ROOM filled with (disorganised chaos) Jason's room where he stays YOU COULD NOT see any inch of floor OR BED or DRAWS it was truly heinous! EVERY surface was stacked high and ONE LARGE rubbish BAG went out, 22 BANANA BOXES of STACKED STUFF (just random things in it!) some boxes only HALF FULL!
TOOK 2 days to tidy and sort, I HELPED clear out AN ENTIRE med sized shed FULL OF CAR PARTS and motors and panels and bonnets, 3 trips to the DUMP later down to ONE TRAILOR LOAD that he listed on TRADEME and SOLD the same day (people have just picked it up!)..
I HELPED clear out AN ENTIRE WORK VAN packed to the hilt WITH tools and shyte that Jason hoards collects and WONT THROW away!! IT has taken us until TODAY to get on top of everything, I have worked EVERYDAY and even did 4 hours extra in between all of THAT!!! I have washed all his clothes AS THE PILES of clean and DIRTY was together SHIT I HATE THAT!!!!! BUT its done I have washed all his bedding and aired it so that his mother DOESNT COMPLAIN!!!! (although she has already SAID "why do we have to have him at our place" SHE is another I COULD QUITE happily PUNCH in the HEAD!!!
Jason has TRULY worked hard all week he vaccummed his place EDGES AND SKIRTINGS and dusted even (well brush attachment on vaccuum!(sp) ). He likes lists and crosses off what he does and NEEDS to be kept busy!
He is doing ok BUT its the wounded puppy dog looks and LOST puppy dog looks and THEN the animal caught in the HEADLIGHT LOOKS I cant handle (tugs at my heart strings) and the reassurance looks I get that I cant help with that DO MY HEAD IN, I have cried a few nights (one when I was walking) HEAVEN help anyone who came across me!
I have aching everything shoulders back arms FROM LIFTING and sorting and STRESS no doubt, I made sure I kept on top of all my own STUFF (housework and household) SO I WOULDN'T lose it completely, I AM TRULY POOPED today and didnt sleep in as WE had a CAR BOOT SALE school fundraiser up at 6.50am and there at 7.30am started 8am..........
Tonight for dinner I have crumbed chicken and roast VEGES I NEED COMFORT FOOD and I am having a spa AT MY FRIENDS (next door neighbour!) and watching RUGBY my favourite pastimes!
I have eaten REALLY well all week and even one DAY DIDNT EAT AT ALL (not good I know BUT boy I thought I would HURL at any portion of food that crossed my lips I DRANK WATER ALL DAY though!)
I am trying to stay cheery and upbeat BUT I KNOW I am emotional and I have been sick in the stomach for 2 days now like churny sick just like a few months ago or last month I cant remember (wake this morning AND HAVE my period so thats 2 cycles 16 days apart then this one was 39 days apart!! I am keeping track!)
I am going to lay in the sun this afternoon managed 2 days sunbathing as well inbetween everything going on, and I very well may read!!!!
I hope to have happier days ahead!
Ciao
I have cleared out a LARGE ROOM filled with (disorganised chaos) Jason's room where he stays YOU COULD NOT see any inch of floor OR BED or DRAWS it was truly heinous! EVERY surface was stacked high and ONE LARGE rubbish BAG went out, 22 BANANA BOXES of STACKED STUFF (just random things in it!) some boxes only HALF FULL!
TOOK 2 days to tidy and sort, I HELPED clear out AN ENTIRE med sized shed FULL OF CAR PARTS and motors and panels and bonnets, 3 trips to the DUMP later down to ONE TRAILOR LOAD that he listed on TRADEME and SOLD the same day (people have just picked it up!)..
I HELPED clear out AN ENTIRE WORK VAN packed to the hilt WITH tools and shyte that Jason hoards collects and WONT THROW away!! IT has taken us until TODAY to get on top of everything, I have worked EVERYDAY and even did 4 hours extra in between all of THAT!!! I have washed all his clothes AS THE PILES of clean and DIRTY was together SHIT I HATE THAT!!!!! BUT its done I have washed all his bedding and aired it so that his mother DOESNT COMPLAIN!!!! (although she has already SAID "why do we have to have him at our place" SHE is another I COULD QUITE happily PUNCH in the HEAD!!!
Jason has TRULY worked hard all week he vaccummed his place EDGES AND SKIRTINGS and dusted even (well brush attachment on vaccuum!(sp) ). He likes lists and crosses off what he does and NEEDS to be kept busy!
He is doing ok BUT its the wounded puppy dog looks and LOST puppy dog looks and THEN the animal caught in the HEADLIGHT LOOKS I cant handle (tugs at my heart strings) and the reassurance looks I get that I cant help with that DO MY HEAD IN, I have cried a few nights (one when I was walking) HEAVEN help anyone who came across me!
I have aching everything shoulders back arms FROM LIFTING and sorting and STRESS no doubt, I made sure I kept on top of all my own STUFF (housework and household) SO I WOULDN'T lose it completely, I AM TRULY POOPED today and didnt sleep in as WE had a CAR BOOT SALE school fundraiser up at 6.50am and there at 7.30am started 8am..........
Tonight for dinner I have crumbed chicken and roast VEGES I NEED COMFORT FOOD and I am having a spa AT MY FRIENDS (next door neighbour!) and watching RUGBY my favourite pastimes!
I have eaten REALLY well all week and even one DAY DIDNT EAT AT ALL (not good I know BUT boy I thought I would HURL at any portion of food that crossed my lips I DRANK WATER ALL DAY though!)
I am trying to stay cheery and upbeat BUT I KNOW I am emotional and I have been sick in the stomach for 2 days now like churny sick just like a few months ago or last month I cant remember (wake this morning AND HAVE my period so thats 2 cycles 16 days apart then this one was 39 days apart!! I am keeping track!)
I am going to lay in the sun this afternoon managed 2 days sunbathing as well inbetween everything going on, and I very well may read!!!!
I hope to have happier days ahead!
Ciao
Monday, March 15, 2010
Sometimes do you wish you could...
JUST jump off the Earth and stop!
My partner (well in the loose sense of the word we dont live together HELL we dont even SLEEP TOGETHER), is unwell again (Bipolar), and is heading away to family, WHY because I am in no position to physically support or financially support him thanks in PART to my rotten bitch of a mother, and thanks in part to HIS less than caring family WHOM continually bury their heads in the sand and LEAVE the caring to me!!! 9 YEARS I have struggled and valiantly tried to hold all of us together ... I lost that battle again today AND I JUST cant do it any more, it is sad to think THAT I feel I have failed not him, it doesn't register to him and I would never let on, BUT I do feel I could do more BUT WHAT....
5 YEARS AGO I packed up house lock stock n barrel after my father died at 54 it was ALWAYS SAID I would go home to CARE for my mother BEARING in mind she was only 57 (AND NOT UNWELL mentally or physically), so we sold up everything (imagine moving to a 70's house) where NONE OF MY modern furniture fitted the rooms I DOWNSIZED everything superking bed TO A QUEEN FFS!, none of my bedroom furniture fitted either ETC ETC ETC, we get there BUT NOO she decides the INVITATION doesnt include Jason my partner of 4 years! (we were engaged well still are in a loose sense! complicated I tell ya!) THE DEAL was we live there (my mother had a GRANNY flat built on with ensuite etc), we pay utilities and RATES and insurances THATS IT, potentially saving between $400 - $600 a week!!! BUT no 7 days before xmas of 2004 WE ARE GIVEN notice YOU MUST LEAVE the house (by way of lawyers letter!), JASON had had an episode and was in ROTORUA hospital for 6 weeks (mental health ward), my mother refused to watch Samuel while I went to see Jason (which was only on the weekends AS I WAS WORKING!) so HER intentions were very clear,we lived out of the back of my car me and my son for a few nights then I SLEPT on friends lounge floors and RUMPUS rooms until 8 weeks later we secured a house (imagine trying to rent in TAUPO right before xmas NEW YEAR!) thus ensues Jason's recovery hindered BY LACK of continuity in housing, we shifted 3 times in 8 weeks! WE move from a perfectly nice location to my mothers then had to store a household of furniture (remembering downsized AT a huge cost to me!) in a panelbeaters workshop!), then shift that out when we secured a place, WE (namely me ) I had at one time 4 jobs and worked 7 days a week IF YALL think I do too MUCH NOW ASK JAXX how much I WAS DOING!!!!!! 4 jobs and caring for my family AND MY PARENTS I nursed my DAD until he died.. and doing urgent WAIKATO hospital runs in the dead of night!
THE life and WORK I DO and how I live now IS A HOLIDAY compared to WHAT MY LIFE WAS!
My mother PROMISED me $25,000 BUT recanted when I rang and told her I had found a place Jason was back and THAT the money was to be put to good use as a COURIER RUN in which I could supply income for my family (and THEN JASON could come and go at my work with me AS HE WISHED) and become available which I had applied for PENDING the $ because she knew I HAD MOVED ON and would now be able to sustain our family ably SHE SOLD THE FAMILY HOME and threw all her toys out the cot and FUCKED OFF, I got $1,500 it cost me $900 to set up my new place SO I SAID thanks I managed to move AND BUY new tyres!! how generous of you. After the no money phone call I changed my cellphone and unlisted all my numbers (just recently a detective friend) found it EXTREMELY HARD to source info on me! Surprisingly I am well versed in COVERING my tracks.
MY mother has written me OUT of the family will and the living inheritance (THAT I AM entitled to CONTEST because of PROMISES made whilst my father was alive AND THE WHOLE family had agreed on this BUT I CHOOSE NOT TOO YES I HAD very good legal advice on this matter BUT IT WOULD take YEARS and as my sister was still alive WE my mum and her WERE ALL ENTITLED to a 1/3 share! A COSTLY affair and to leave HER WITH NOTHING WAS NEVER my intention) because although she feels leaving me with nothing suits her I CAN NOT bring myself TO LEAVE her with nothing I am younger and stronger! AND have proved I can survive (always have since when I first left home at 15!)
SO far I have paid $58,000 in RENT! and all the utilities and insurances SO I HAVE LOST big time and stepped away FROM my share of family $, (my choice!) BUT as my mother so eloquently put it SHE wont have HIM in the family fullstop! HAD we been in MY FAMILY HOME I would be in a financial position today WHERE it doesn't matter how OFTEN Jason falls off the radar WE would have money behind us to ALLOW him recovery time. I still to this day CAN NOT bring myself to DRIVE near or down MY FAMILIES STREET, I had lived there all my life 37 years!
I have supported both my sister and my mother through some horrendous times and WHEN I NEEDED support I was shown the door ! SO thats it for me YOU fuck me off IT cut off a tthe knees and THATS it thye drew the line in the sand !
MY FRIENDS (BAR one) whom I have many HAVE all fully supported Jason and I THROUGH EVERYTHING and without them I truly wouldn't have survived. Interestingly my mothers family have no contact with Smauel and I either and or my fathers parents SO thats how it is!
Jasons family just say oh well we would love to help BUT just cant!!! What sort of fucking response is that!! Soft cocks!!! sorry I get so damned angry, I know he will be there in part with his family BUT they treat him like the SMELLY OLD DRUNK UNCLE at the family wedding in the corner that no one wants to talk too!!!! It breaks my heart....... because of course YOU CAN CATCH MENTAL ILLNESS from living with people WHOM HAVE mental illnesses!!!!
I refuse to contact my mother, and her and my sister have not spoken to me in 6 years, I dont even know what country they are in I know its not NZ, so at least I cant beat the SHIT out of my sister WHICH is what I told her IF SHE EVER SETS FOOT back in TAUPO! Believe me there is a lot more to this AND I WILL never forgive them for the intentional hardship they placed me in!
AM I STILL ANGRY HELL YES! I am not in the forgiveness PLACE yet and quite possibly will never be THATS MY CHOICE (please no condescending or patrionising remarks!)
I have paid the ultimate price TO love and care FOR ANOTHER human being, and neither my family or his FIND IT in their hearts to have COMPASSION, I feel sad tonight and the familiar feelings of dread towards a terrible situation. I now have to help Jason stay WELL ENOUGH because his family (parents THEY ARE RETIRED! and no they aren't old he also has 3 younger brothers 2 of whom are in Te Puke as well) they aren't coming to get him until the weekend !! Last time he got really bad he was found NEAR WELLINGTON looking for directions TO KAWERAU (Whakatane WAY) ALOT can happen between now and THEN.
I AM offline until after the weekend WHEN I KNOW he will be in relatively safe hands.
My partner (well in the loose sense of the word we dont live together HELL we dont even SLEEP TOGETHER), is unwell again (Bipolar), and is heading away to family, WHY because I am in no position to physically support or financially support him thanks in PART to my rotten bitch of a mother, and thanks in part to HIS less than caring family WHOM continually bury their heads in the sand and LEAVE the caring to me!!! 9 YEARS I have struggled and valiantly tried to hold all of us together ... I lost that battle again today AND I JUST cant do it any more, it is sad to think THAT I feel I have failed not him, it doesn't register to him and I would never let on, BUT I do feel I could do more BUT WHAT....
5 YEARS AGO I packed up house lock stock n barrel after my father died at 54 it was ALWAYS SAID I would go home to CARE for my mother BEARING in mind she was only 57 (AND NOT UNWELL mentally or physically), so we sold up everything (imagine moving to a 70's house) where NONE OF MY modern furniture fitted the rooms I DOWNSIZED everything superking bed TO A QUEEN FFS!, none of my bedroom furniture fitted either ETC ETC ETC, we get there BUT NOO she decides the INVITATION doesnt include Jason my partner of 4 years! (we were engaged well still are in a loose sense! complicated I tell ya!) THE DEAL was we live there (my mother had a GRANNY flat built on with ensuite etc), we pay utilities and RATES and insurances THATS IT, potentially saving between $400 - $600 a week!!! BUT no 7 days before xmas of 2004 WE ARE GIVEN notice YOU MUST LEAVE the house (by way of lawyers letter!), JASON had had an episode and was in ROTORUA hospital for 6 weeks (mental health ward), my mother refused to watch Samuel while I went to see Jason (which was only on the weekends AS I WAS WORKING!) so HER intentions were very clear,we lived out of the back of my car me and my son for a few nights then I SLEPT on friends lounge floors and RUMPUS rooms until 8 weeks later we secured a house (imagine trying to rent in TAUPO right before xmas NEW YEAR!) thus ensues Jason's recovery hindered BY LACK of continuity in housing, we shifted 3 times in 8 weeks! WE move from a perfectly nice location to my mothers then had to store a household of furniture (remembering downsized AT a huge cost to me!) in a panelbeaters workshop!), then shift that out when we secured a place, WE (namely me ) I had at one time 4 jobs and worked 7 days a week IF YALL think I do too MUCH NOW ASK JAXX how much I WAS DOING!!!!!! 4 jobs and caring for my family AND MY PARENTS I nursed my DAD until he died.. and doing urgent WAIKATO hospital runs in the dead of night!
THE life and WORK I DO and how I live now IS A HOLIDAY compared to WHAT MY LIFE WAS!
My mother PROMISED me $25,000 BUT recanted when I rang and told her I had found a place Jason was back and THAT the money was to be put to good use as a COURIER RUN in which I could supply income for my family (and THEN JASON could come and go at my work with me AS HE WISHED) and become available which I had applied for PENDING the $ because she knew I HAD MOVED ON and would now be able to sustain our family ably SHE SOLD THE FAMILY HOME and threw all her toys out the cot and FUCKED OFF, I got $1,500 it cost me $900 to set up my new place SO I SAID thanks I managed to move AND BUY new tyres!! how generous of you. After the no money phone call I changed my cellphone and unlisted all my numbers (just recently a detective friend) found it EXTREMELY HARD to source info on me! Surprisingly I am well versed in COVERING my tracks.
MY mother has written me OUT of the family will and the living inheritance (THAT I AM entitled to CONTEST because of PROMISES made whilst my father was alive AND THE WHOLE family had agreed on this BUT I CHOOSE NOT TOO YES I HAD very good legal advice on this matter BUT IT WOULD take YEARS and as my sister was still alive WE my mum and her WERE ALL ENTITLED to a 1/3 share! A COSTLY affair and to leave HER WITH NOTHING WAS NEVER my intention) because although she feels leaving me with nothing suits her I CAN NOT bring myself TO LEAVE her with nothing I am younger and stronger! AND have proved I can survive (always have since when I first left home at 15!)
SO far I have paid $58,000 in RENT! and all the utilities and insurances SO I HAVE LOST big time and stepped away FROM my share of family $, (my choice!) BUT as my mother so eloquently put it SHE wont have HIM in the family fullstop! HAD we been in MY FAMILY HOME I would be in a financial position today WHERE it doesn't matter how OFTEN Jason falls off the radar WE would have money behind us to ALLOW him recovery time. I still to this day CAN NOT bring myself to DRIVE near or down MY FAMILIES STREET, I had lived there all my life 37 years!
I have supported both my sister and my mother through some horrendous times and WHEN I NEEDED support I was shown the door ! SO thats it for me YOU fuck me off IT cut off a tthe knees and THATS it thye drew the line in the sand !
MY FRIENDS (BAR one) whom I have many HAVE all fully supported Jason and I THROUGH EVERYTHING and without them I truly wouldn't have survived. Interestingly my mothers family have no contact with Smauel and I either and or my fathers parents SO thats how it is!
Jasons family just say oh well we would love to help BUT just cant!!! What sort of fucking response is that!! Soft cocks!!! sorry I get so damned angry, I know he will be there in part with his family BUT they treat him like the SMELLY OLD DRUNK UNCLE at the family wedding in the corner that no one wants to talk too!!!! It breaks my heart....... because of course YOU CAN CATCH MENTAL ILLNESS from living with people WHOM HAVE mental illnesses!!!!
I refuse to contact my mother, and her and my sister have not spoken to me in 6 years, I dont even know what country they are in I know its not NZ, so at least I cant beat the SHIT out of my sister WHICH is what I told her IF SHE EVER SETS FOOT back in TAUPO! Believe me there is a lot more to this AND I WILL never forgive them for the intentional hardship they placed me in!
AM I STILL ANGRY HELL YES! I am not in the forgiveness PLACE yet and quite possibly will never be THATS MY CHOICE (please no condescending or patrionising remarks!)
I have paid the ultimate price TO love and care FOR ANOTHER human being, and neither my family or his FIND IT in their hearts to have COMPASSION, I feel sad tonight and the familiar feelings of dread towards a terrible situation. I now have to help Jason stay WELL ENOUGH because his family (parents THEY ARE RETIRED! and no they aren't old he also has 3 younger brothers 2 of whom are in Te Puke as well) they aren't coming to get him until the weekend !! Last time he got really bad he was found NEAR WELLINGTON looking for directions TO KAWERAU (Whakatane WAY) ALOT can happen between now and THEN.
I AM offline until after the weekend WHEN I KNOW he will be in relatively safe hands.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
SLEEP glorious SLEEP
I slept soundly from 10pm until 7.30am and lay in until 8.15am SO thats good for me, I have had me easter buns and yoghurt and cereal, WAITING for air temperature TO RAISEohhhhhhh about 20 DEGREES so I can lounge in the sun!!!!!!!!!!
Not as cold this morning BUT definately chilly nipply!
I need to clarify more on yesterday, THE DOG was bearing its teeth and snarling viciously in my opinion like hard out and I was VERY CONCERNED not frightened and when it lunged IF I HADNT kicked it IT WOULD HAVE got my lower leg NOW I DONT give a rats arse about PC bullshit IF A dog is going in for the "kill" then I have have EVERY REASON to defend myself and IF that involves exerting extreme force I WILL, I dont give a toss if its someones PET or domestic animal, I am not about to have my leg ripped open or BADLY bitten because its a SUPPOSEDLY nice dog (breed) TOO BAD!
And if I got fined I don't care either, so I will ring Dog Control on Monday and see what happens owners of dogs will always say Oh but there so friendly and THEY never do that, they are normally so well behaved WELL theres always a first time and I AINT gonna be it! KEEP your dogs under control and supervise, THATS dog owners responsibilities and job if they can't DONT have a dog simple!
We are currently watching a movie, then I am waiting for WARM air to lay in the sun in, AND I will read out there too! APART from that I have nothing else doing BLISS! Will probably go for a swim IF it ever heats up!! We are having homemade crumbed chicken drumsticks stirfry veges (cauli broc carrot onion beans cabbage courgette parsley to garnish) and homemade chunky dry roast potatoes for dinner I am going to make some savoury scones for lunch sweetcorn ham and cheese like a scroll type scone?. AND I might drag the BBQ out for I feel we need to have some more BBQ's as very soon IT WONT BE BBQ weather!!!!!!!
Have a super sunday whatever you are doing.
Ciao
Not as cold this morning BUT definately chilly nipply!
I need to clarify more on yesterday, THE DOG was bearing its teeth and snarling viciously in my opinion like hard out and I was VERY CONCERNED not frightened and when it lunged IF I HADNT kicked it IT WOULD HAVE got my lower leg NOW I DONT give a rats arse about PC bullshit IF A dog is going in for the "kill" then I have have EVERY REASON to defend myself and IF that involves exerting extreme force I WILL, I dont give a toss if its someones PET or domestic animal, I am not about to have my leg ripped open or BADLY bitten because its a SUPPOSEDLY nice dog (breed) TOO BAD!
And if I got fined I don't care either, so I will ring Dog Control on Monday and see what happens owners of dogs will always say Oh but there so friendly and THEY never do that, they are normally so well behaved WELL theres always a first time and I AINT gonna be it! KEEP your dogs under control and supervise, THATS dog owners responsibilities and job if they can't DONT have a dog simple!
We are currently watching a movie, then I am waiting for WARM air to lay in the sun in, AND I will read out there too! APART from that I have nothing else doing BLISS! Will probably go for a swim IF it ever heats up!! We are having homemade crumbed chicken drumsticks stirfry veges (cauli broc carrot onion beans cabbage courgette parsley to garnish) and homemade chunky dry roast potatoes for dinner I am going to make some savoury scones for lunch sweetcorn ham and cheese like a scroll type scone?. AND I might drag the BBQ out for I feel we need to have some more BBQ's as very soon IT WONT BE BBQ weather!!!!!!!
Have a super sunday whatever you are doing.
Ciao
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