JUST jump off the Earth and stop!
My partner (well in the loose sense of the word we dont live together HELL we dont even SLEEP TOGETHER), is unwell again (Bipolar), and is heading away to family, WHY because I am in no position to physically support or financially support him thanks in PART to my rotten bitch of a mother, and thanks in part to HIS less than caring family WHOM continually bury their heads in the sand and LEAVE the caring to me!!! 9 YEARS I have struggled and valiantly tried to hold all of us together ... I lost that battle again today AND I JUST cant do it any more, it is sad to think THAT I feel I have failed not him, it doesn't register to him and I would never let on, BUT I do feel I could do more BUT WHAT....
5 YEARS AGO I packed up house lock stock n barrel after my father died at 54 it was ALWAYS SAID I would go home to CARE for my mother BEARING in mind she was only 57 (AND NOT UNWELL mentally or physically), so we sold up everything (imagine moving to a 70's house) where NONE OF MY modern furniture fitted the rooms I DOWNSIZED everything superking bed TO A QUEEN FFS!, none of my bedroom furniture fitted either ETC ETC ETC, we get there BUT NOO she decides the INVITATION doesnt include Jason my partner of 4 years! (we were engaged well still are in a loose sense! complicated I tell ya!) THE DEAL was we live there (my mother had a GRANNY flat built on with ensuite etc), we pay utilities and RATES and insurances THATS IT, potentially saving between $400 - $600 a week!!! BUT no 7 days before xmas of 2004 WE ARE GIVEN notice YOU MUST LEAVE the house (by way of lawyers letter!), JASON had had an episode and was in ROTORUA hospital for 6 weeks (mental health ward), my mother refused to watch Samuel while I went to see Jason (which was only on the weekends AS I WAS WORKING!) so HER intentions were very clear,we lived out of the back of my car me and my son for a few nights then I SLEPT on friends lounge floors and RUMPUS rooms until 8 weeks later we secured a house (imagine trying to rent in TAUPO right before xmas NEW YEAR!) thus ensues Jason's recovery hindered BY LACK of continuity in housing, we shifted 3 times in 8 weeks! WE move from a perfectly nice location to my mothers then had to store a household of furniture (remembering downsized AT a huge cost to me!) in a panelbeaters workshop!), then shift that out when we secured a place, WE (namely me ) I had at one time 4 jobs and worked 7 days a week IF YALL think I do too MUCH NOW ASK JAXX how much I WAS DOING!!!!!! 4 jobs and caring for my family AND MY PARENTS I nursed my DAD until he died.. and doing urgent WAIKATO hospital runs in the dead of night!
THE life and WORK I DO and how I live now IS A HOLIDAY compared to WHAT MY LIFE WAS!
My mother PROMISED me $25,000 BUT recanted when I rang and told her I had found a place Jason was back and THAT the money was to be put to good use as a COURIER RUN in which I could supply income for my family (and THEN JASON could come and go at my work with me AS HE WISHED) and become available which I had applied for PENDING the $ because she knew I HAD MOVED ON and would now be able to sustain our family ably SHE SOLD THE FAMILY HOME and threw all her toys out the cot and FUCKED OFF, I got $1,500 it cost me $900 to set up my new place SO I SAID thanks I managed to move AND BUY new tyres!! how generous of you. After the no money phone call I changed my cellphone and unlisted all my numbers (just recently a detective friend) found it EXTREMELY HARD to source info on me! Surprisingly I am well versed in COVERING my tracks.
MY mother has written me OUT of the family will and the living inheritance (THAT I AM entitled to CONTEST because of PROMISES made whilst my father was alive AND THE WHOLE family had agreed on this BUT I CHOOSE NOT TOO YES I HAD very good legal advice on this matter BUT IT WOULD take YEARS and as my sister was still alive WE my mum and her WERE ALL ENTITLED to a 1/3 share! A COSTLY affair and to leave HER WITH NOTHING WAS NEVER my intention) because although she feels leaving me with nothing suits her I CAN NOT bring myself TO LEAVE her with nothing I am younger and stronger! AND have proved I can survive (always have since when I first left home at 15!)
SO far I have paid $58,000 in RENT! and all the utilities and insurances SO I HAVE LOST big time and stepped away FROM my share of family $, (my choice!) BUT as my mother so eloquently put it SHE wont have HIM in the family fullstop! HAD we been in MY FAMILY HOME I would be in a financial position today WHERE it doesn't matter how OFTEN Jason falls off the radar WE would have money behind us to ALLOW him recovery time. I still to this day CAN NOT bring myself to DRIVE near or down MY FAMILIES STREET, I had lived there all my life 37 years!
I have supported both my sister and my mother through some horrendous times and WHEN I NEEDED support I was shown the door ! SO thats it for me YOU fuck me off IT cut off a tthe knees and THATS it thye drew the line in the sand !
MY FRIENDS (BAR one) whom I have many HAVE all fully supported Jason and I THROUGH EVERYTHING and without them I truly wouldn't have survived. Interestingly my mothers family have no contact with Smauel and I either and or my fathers parents SO thats how it is!
Jasons family just say oh well we would love to help BUT just cant!!! What sort of fucking response is that!! Soft cocks!!! sorry I get so damned angry, I know he will be there in part with his family BUT they treat him like the SMELLY OLD DRUNK UNCLE at the family wedding in the corner that no one wants to talk too!!!! It breaks my heart....... because of course YOU CAN CATCH MENTAL ILLNESS from living with people WHOM HAVE mental illnesses!!!!
I refuse to contact my mother, and her and my sister have not spoken to me in 6 years, I dont even know what country they are in I know its not NZ, so at least I cant beat the SHIT out of my sister WHICH is what I told her IF SHE EVER SETS FOOT back in TAUPO! Believe me there is a lot more to this AND I WILL never forgive them for the intentional hardship they placed me in!
AM I STILL ANGRY HELL YES! I am not in the forgiveness PLACE yet and quite possibly will never be THATS MY CHOICE (please no condescending or patrionising remarks!)
I have paid the ultimate price TO love and care FOR ANOTHER human being, and neither my family or his FIND IT in their hearts to have COMPASSION, I feel sad tonight and the familiar feelings of dread towards a terrible situation. I now have to help Jason stay WELL ENOUGH because his family (parents THEY ARE RETIRED! and no they aren't old he also has 3 younger brothers 2 of whom are in Te Puke as well) they aren't coming to get him until the weekend !! Last time he got really bad he was found NEAR WELLINGTON looking for directions TO KAWERAU (Whakatane WAY) ALOT can happen between now and THEN.
I AM offline until after the weekend WHEN I KNOW he will be in relatively safe hands.
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Sheesh! Seems we all have family dramas eh?
ReplyDeleteI feel sad that you seem to be all alone except for Samuel. {{{HUGS}}}
There won't be any room for forgiveness when you harbour that much anger. When you're ready your family will be ready to talk but they're not about to be ambushed by your hostility.
ReplyDeleteWhat a pack of vicious lies, distortions and melodrama you weave!, this orgy of self pity reads like a cheap Victorian "penny dreadful" and is an utter corruption of the truth and your part in this whole sorry saga. Your extended family are disgusted beyond words at your behaviour - up to and including your frail old Uncle who, to our disbelief, received one of your delusional poisonous letters and was utterly bewildered by it - you should be ashamed of yourself .... be wary Sharon Mason - karma is a powerful force.
ReplyDeleteInstead of blaming everyone for your misfortunes, perhaps try looking at yourself. There’s a great deal to be said about looking in the mirror and the choices we make. If you look closely, you will realise that it is not your mother/family who has cut you off, it is you who has cut yourself (and your son) off from the entire family and it is only you who can make the choice to accept your family back into your life. What are you waiting for? Do you really expect that threatening behaviour (“...I can beat the SHIT out of my sister...” see above) will bring you closer to your family, or is it that you don’t necessarily want to be in the lives of your family members, but use the experience to harbour resentment and make a good drama for the purposes of your blog? Your blog repeatedly speaks about money and you seem to place a great deal of emotional importance on it. Anger is also very apparent in this blog, perhaps you could start to break down your anger with some psychological guidance. Instead of using your rage to lash out, publicly humiliate others and keep people apart, you could really use it to force a positive change in your life. Psychological guidance could also provide the support you need to look after your bipolar partner. Good luck and don’t leave it until it’s too late to forgive!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/anger.html
http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/emotional_health/mental_health/coping_angermanagement.shtml
http://www.taupocounselling.co.nz/#/my-services/4537735077
What a bunch of self serving, self absorbed. nihilistic crap! At no stage in your rant have you mentioned your child's interests or what was best for him.
ReplyDeleteMe me me. Poor me. Look at me! I hooked up with a mentally unstable man, exposed my son to his violence and mood swings; left him to fend for himself while I whined about how awful my life was, but at no stage did I look at my son and ask what was best for him. YOU chose this person OVER your son?? What sort of person are you? This is the role model you have chosen from all others for the formative years for your child? I feel so sad for this child to have been dragged from pillar to post because his mother was committed to saving someone who had no interest in being saved. YOU chose a halfwit retard over your own child? What sort of mother are you? Aren't there any good men in New Zealand or do they see you coming with all your baggage and run?
All that energy wasted when you could have been nurturing a wonderful growing person. He's not going to be a baby forever, and he will form his own opinion of you and your behaviour at some stage. You will be held accountable in his eyes. Can you stand up to the scrutiny? Will you be able to look him in the eye and say that you honestly did your best by him?
No one made your choices for you. At no stage were you forced at gunpoint to move, or take on any responsibilities that you didn't want to.
The choices you made at each point in your life were just that, YOUR choices!
Man up you hopeless whinger!